| For Anyone Who Ever Checks Back Here: |
[Dec. 7th, 2004|05:23 pm] |
I would like to apologise to anyone I've lost contact with in this past year. I'm sorry for not updating here at alol to let people know I'm all right. It's my business, yeah, but I'm aware that there were a few wonderful people who actually cared and it bothers me that it seemed as if I didn't appreciate it.
I am now at the end of one of the most difficult years of my life. At the same time, it has brought some of the best gifts and the most hope for the future. I was so sick that I would have died and now I'm on my way to full health. LJ and my RPG, Floo, were wonderful outlets for me when I couldn't participate in normal, daily activities. I made some great friends and had some good times.
It just came to a point where I needed to turn in and take care of myself. I suppose that meant letting go of everything so that I could eventually start fresh. I've done that, I think, and I feel a lot more free. That is, except for some of the guilt and regret I feel at having left some people behind.
So while I know most people have probably forgotten about me, I just wanted to write this just in case someone would happen upon it.
Just so you know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2004|12:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "What do you want from me?"- Monaco | ] |
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| A Minor Incident |
[Jun. 13th, 2004|12:29 am] |
There's nothing I could say
To make you try to feel okay
And nothing you could do
To stop me feeling the way I do
And if the chance should happen
That I never see you again
Just remember that I'll always love you
I'd be a better person
On the other side I'm sure
You'd find a way to help yourself
And find another door
To shrug off a minor incident
And make us both feel proud
I just wish I could be there to see you through
You always were the one
To make us stand out in the crowd
Though every once upon a while
Your head was in a cloud
There's nothing you could never do
To ever let me down
And remember that I'll always love you |
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| Pictures with two of my favourite people in the world |
[Jun. 10th, 2004|11:01 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | You wouldn't believe me if I told you. | ] |
Me and Lindsey
Becky and Me.
Keep in mind, these are horrible, horrible scans of pictures from a disposable camera, not digital. Ew. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2004|04:33 pm] |
Wow, I'm feel disconnected. Empty and hollow. Don't quite have the energy to reach for what's inside.
Missing people, but watching the caller ID without picking up the phone. Not wanting to do anything, but anxious at my unproductivity.
It's too hot. Where are my ridiculously cold Chicago May days?
Oh, right. They're in Chicago. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2004|01:47 pm] |
It has been raining very hard for days. I have come to the conclusion that I require a pair of galoshes.
Then I could go play in the puddles. |
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| Disappearance |
[Apr. 26th, 2004|02:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"- Elton John | ] |
I always seem to do this. I update several times a day and then get to a point where I step away and can't seem to find my way back. I stare at this journal wanting so badly to connect, but finding the task of explaining everything overwhelming. That's probably what I do with friends, as well. So if you're one of my dear friends (and you know who you are!) I apologise for my lack of communication.
All in all, it has been a month that I wouldn't change for anything. Certainly, bad things happened... nervous breakdowns... fights... worries and such. Loneliness and uncertainty and perhaps a bit of insanity. Always money problems. Bad memories.
At the same time, so much has happened that makes it all bearable. Wonderful new friends with beautiful souls- Lindsey, who must be my twin seperated at birth... who says words I never thought I'd hear from someone like her... Jessica, who is tentative and shy, but given a chance, is so eager to show her wonderful soul. And there's Anna and Kristie and Ashley and Amber... people floating in and out of my life- perhaps only to touch it temporarily. Like the boy in my acting workshop who has eyes like Jack Nicholson and flirted with me mercilessly, but probably wouldn't have guessed that I had a bit of a crush on him. And Anne- who I embraced for five minutes to feel her heartbeat so that we could connect during our scene and I've almost never felt closer to anyone before. I told her that she sort of looked like a combination of Uma Thurman and Sarah Polley. She smiled and later told me that she had been a Dance Major at Northwestern. And Rachel, the wonderful actress who always asks to bum cigarettes even though I never have them and she acts with such raw emotion. We're forever planning to go out for drinks and talk about life.
Aside from the people, there have been moments of great clarity- in which I was finally able to connect to myself and let go. Acting workshops and therapy and starbucks with friends... long conversations with my dear Lesley... suddenly coming to the realisation that I am who I've always known I was and not what was mirrored back to me by people with their own wounds, unable to see- or perhaps too frightened- to see who I really am. And now that I know all this, really know it, I'm on my way to understanding it. And I can't help feeling that this is some extraordinary turning point in my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2004|02:30 am] |
And I present to you... my family's traditional Bunny Cake.
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2004|02:25 am] |
For those of you that haven't seen my "new" haircut (it's actually been two weeks since it's been cut)- here's the only photo I've got so far.
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2004|01:18 pm] |
I start to tell myself that there was a time in which life didn't seem so difficult. It's then I realise that I can't, in all honesty, make such a statement.
It's always a struggle- always exchanging one obstacle for another. Waiting for the day when I can finally breathe and feel that it might be all right to leave it all to chance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2004|02:35 am] |
In the normal hours of the day I hardly think these thoughts. But now, late at night and weary from lack of sleep and a few glasses of wine, I can't think of anything but.
I know that there will be no one like him and everyone I meet I will be constantly comparing to him. Isn't it wrong that I search for someone a little bit like him, only different? And I wonder, after all these years, why I can't move on, even though it was I who wanted to? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2004|08:55 pm] |
Well, thank you very much. One more blow to knock me out. I was almost feeling good.
I hardly see the point in trying anymore. |
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| Sir Ian McKellan, I thought we were friends. |
[Mar. 30th, 2004|01:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Aerodynamic"- Daft Punk | ] |
I am very angry at the world for not telling me that Sir Ian McKellan was gay. Apparently I am the only one left on the planet who did not know this.
I still love you, Sir Ian McKellan, but I don't appreciate not knowing an important detail of your life that everyone and their brother has known for ages. It's just not right, Sir Ian McKellan.
Lesley also informs me that Mr. T is gay. I did not know this. I am not as angry with the world about this.
( AIM EVIDENCE ) |
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| Watching "L'Auberge Espagnole" last night, I was reminded of this song. |
[Mar. 29th, 2004|11:05 pm] |
No Surprises
Radiohead
A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal
You look so tired and unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't, they don't speak for us
I'll take a quiet life
A handshake of carbon monoxide
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
Silent, silent
This is my final fit, my final bellyache with
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises please
Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden
No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises please (let me out of here) |
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| Because I'm inundated with inspirational poems |
[Mar. 29th, 2004|10:39 pm] |
In the Long Run
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
IN the long run fame finds the deserving man.
The lucky wight may prosper for a day,
But in good time true merit leads the van,
And vain pretense, unnoticed, goes its way.
There is no Chance, no Destiny, no Fate,
But Fortune smiles on those who work and wait,
In the long run.
In the long run all goodly sorrow pays,
There is no better thing than righteous pain,
The sleepless nights, the awful thorn-crowned days,
Bring sure reward to tortured soul and brain.
Unmeaning joys enervate in the end,
But sorrow yields a glorious dividend
In the long run. In the long run all hidden things are known,
The eye of truth will penetrate the night,
And good or ill, thy secret shall be known,
However well 't is guarded from the light.
All the unspoken motives of the breast
Are fathomed by the years and stand confest
In the long run.
In the long run all love is paid by love,
Though undervalued by the hosts of earth;
The great eternal Governemnt above
Keeps strict account and will redeem its worth.
Give thy love freely; do not count the cost;
So beautiful a thing was never lost
In the long run. |
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onemustendure's journal
